14 May 2017
Happy Mother’s Day to any mothers reading this. Happy Mother’s-to be Day! My sister is a MTB, and they are equally important because they are still caring for a child.
I was at graduation on Saturday. It was a day to me, for me, and all about me. Prior to leaving for the ceremony, I was unwrapping my stole, cords, and charms to add to my cap and gown ensemble. I was thinking about these next four weeks. What I told myself was that I am finishing as a Hellinger. This lead to taking another leap on Saturday. It was time. I took my last ring off. A rush of liberation overwhelmed me. I felt a little bit of freedom; a little because I’m not completely free yet, but it’s coming. This was a giant leap because it meant that I am ready. Ready for: new things, changes (big and small); and a new life. However, I still feel a little disjointed. There are scattered thoughts. I am not my normal self. In fact, normal doesn’t exist. Eventually, there will be a new normal, but I’m not there yet. These were thoughts running amok yesterday as I sat in my seat feeling the ridges on my left ring finger. I hid my hand under my program to avoid thinking about things that were not the focus of me and my day.
I was sitting on the arena floor with peers in the MA Liberal Arts program at SNHU. There were some dynamic speakers. The keynote speaker for our school (COCE and CFA) spoke about where she’s been, how she got there and what she went through during her time as a student, a single mother, and working full-time. The University President said he loved speaking to this particular school because students are from all over the world (one student was from Tuscany, Italy). We are the ones who are studying late hours, after work, after families; we are the students sacrificing “small and big moments” to better ourselves. Importantly, we arrived at this point because we have family and friends to support us. I’ve been saying this all along. My family and friends have supported me in various aspects of my life and my education. I have sacrificed evening gatherings, and more to stay at home and get my assignments turned in. I have sacrificed weekends on the golf course. I have sacrificed dinners, lunches, and more because I needed to read a novel in 24 hours, write 5,000 words within a week; or had to do some research that kept me in the virtual library hours after work. This sacrifice is priceless. Family, friends, activities, events, and the golf course will still be there once I am done.
The speaker understands what it means for all of us to endure; she spoke about this. We are functioning beyond. I have no choice but to endure this chaos while finishing my education. I can smile and laugh through the deep pain, tremendous hurt and invisible scars (already forming), and many would not even know how out of control (literally and figuratively) my life is currently.
Natalie has to endure trial and error to realize why she can’t wake up from her coma. How does she do it? You’ll have to read the book. I have to finish the last 5,000 words week 7! That’s it! The last 5,000 words. Then it will be time to edit once again, and prepare for my thesis completion.
Thinking ahead, I am determined to endure numerous rejections when I begin to submit my manuscript to agents/editors/publishers. Empowerment and enduring are just two themes in my thesis. I have endured some of the worst storms and darkest of days and nights. I have grown more resilient through this mess. I will be okay once I move beyond a few more obstacles. I know I am not done taking small and giant leaps. This is the power of positive thinking.
Both the University President and the speaker told us, as graduates, to take time to “soak it all in.” I have been, and even reminded myself today to soak it all in. Those smiles, laughs and memories I spoke about in my post the other day? They happened because I let them. I embraced the moments. I can’t seem to get enough, but it’s good enough for now. Leaping, soaking, enduring, and embracing.