9 June 2017
It’s another month of spending time on the patio, writing, reading, listening, learning, growing, and finishing school. This is week ten!!! Two long days away. It’s short because today is Friday and Sunday is the end of this journey. It’s long because I am working on my thesis defense, and other components of my second final project for my English class, and revising my research paper for my 20th Century American Literature class. The good news is the bulk of the writing is done, and I can focus on revisions.
The fence that divides my yard from my neighbors has been in disrepair again. It’s been propped up for several weeks now. Nothing says vulnerability as much as a fence that’s on the ground, leaving a wide-open gap exposed. The rabbits loved it, as Duke and I would discover them eating the grass on the lawn in the mornings and evenings. However, I felt unsettled. Add this to the wide range of feelings and emotions that hits me at any given moment of any given day; it’s not pleasant. But, I am no longer responsible for something major like this.
Thursday was a chaotic day. I felt like I walked into a storm, feeling the power of the waves crashing against me. Because of a growing strength (on many levels), I felt the force bump me, knock me around, and try to throw me off my feet. It didn’t last anything more than a minute before I realized what was really happening. I walked up to and through the waves, walking past the sound of them whipping and whirling, making contact and impacting rocks and the shore. The shock factor that followed was watching me walk away. And I didn’t look back as the door closed behind me.
The next storm that soon followed was more like a shipwreck. I braced myself. I observed the storm, taunting me to with a destructive force, chiding, searching for any loose items that could easily be manipulated and pulled away by the brute force of wind and water. I survived, with the boat intact, but slightly battered and bruised.
A third storm of waves was released later in the evening. I stumbled. I phoned a friend, discussing the storm, as I was in the moment, and we talked for hours. It is nice to have friends to turn to at all hours of the day, but I still spend the worst parts of the night piecing together moments of my life alone. I still attempt to wrap my head around the train wreck that hit me at full speed not so long ago. The short duration, and the lightning speed of actions to immediately follow, makes it nearly impossible. But, I think I found a book that might help me understand more. We’ll see.
Sleep still eludes me. The adrenaline continues to pump through every crevice of my body. The big crash is coming, but, as my friend and I agreed knowing who I am, it will occur in smaller waves, not being as dramatic…which will be rather refreshing. But it is coming.
My revised thesis was turned in this past Sunday. It was complete, as far as the assignment dictated. But, to begin querying an agent or editor it still needs approximately 50,000 more words. This means the story is not over yet! A few edits were made, including changing the name of Nick to Adam. It seemed to suit the character better. He was fleshed out a little more, enough to satisfy the final thesis. What I discovered was his back story that will be written as part of the 50k words to turn it into a complete work of fiction. I will admit there was one moment when I thought about the 138 page thesis, pitching it as-is. It is a great product of how hard I’ve worked for 15 months, and writing it in less than 7 months. F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote The Great Gatsby as a short novel, and the book is brilliant! I had a rock star moment thinking mine could be just as brilliant, but the reality is if I pitched it today, it would be too short. It still needs more. I know exactly what I have to do, and will not waste any time writing to reach “The End.”
I am battered, beaten, torn down a little, vulnerable, uneasy, exposed, uncomfortable. However, I am freakishly strong, independent, learning how to walk through the forces of water after walking through fire, empowered, and finding the right tools to deal with the extremely bruised psyche. The fence is temporarily repaired, and even single boards have been reattached, so I feel safe once again. I am focused on finishing the last remaining days of my education strong. The final chapters of this journey are almost written to its own completion. The bushel of lemons is on my counter again as I try to make the ultimate lemonade. “YOU CAN DO THIS” remains on my computer monitor as I force my way through the storm that’s not quite over yet.