Tag: positive thoughts

Halfway Into NaNoWriMo: Writing Extravaganza

Halfway Into NaNoWriMo: Writing Extravaganza

15 November 2017

I am in my favorite writing place-the patio. I walked to work, then home after boot camp class. It felt good to get back to exercise after a small procedure was done nearly two weeks ago, and the stitches came out Friday night, so I’m back on my normal exercise routine again.  Dinner tonight is a large grilled chicken salad, loaded with romaine, super greens and a ton of other veggies, knowing I couldn’t afford wasted time tonight for dinner since I have a long list of various writing projects I need to get done. Plus, I’ve recently had a knife casualty, and I burned, no, charred, my grilled cheese sandwich the other day. Again, can’t cook. Not domesticated.

A friend sent me a link to a writing job last night. Very much appreciated.  As I appreciate the large outpouring of support from friends and my network. However, just as I will not return to New York, I will not go to California, if I decide to leave. Too expensive. You could say the message opened the flood gates, and I began to search under different titles, coming across five positions.

My emotional state is still fragile. I was sitting at work today wondering why my head was such a mess.  I wanted to get up and escape again; I still do. My depression is visible around the house: empty boxes everywhere, small piles that I don’t like having rest on the table; Xmas gifts are on the pool table, as is my box of baking decorating supplies. I don’t want to work. I only want to write.

I resurfaced on Facebook the other night. Not really a fan. I am constantly being asked, “Where are you going?” I am constantly answering, “Nowhere. I’m still here.” I am also tired of talking about the divorce. I have two simple answers these days: 1) I divorced his adulterous ass, and he still doesn’t leave me alone, and 2) You can read about it in my book.

Which brings me to my favorite topic of writing, NaNoWriMo and my novel. This is where the fun really begins. On October 31, I created a firm writing schedule. I go home after work, eat, walk Duke, then get ready for hours of work. I call my writing work now because it is my new career. Nothing is as exhilarating as discovering what you want to do the rest of your life. And at my age, I don’t want to restart a career; I’m already restarting so many other things. The calendar sends reminders. I have a 2 ½ hour block for nothing but writing; some nights it goes longer because I’m on a roll; other nights, I am writing something, and taking a short break to recharge and get in more words the next day. I haven’t stalled yet, and the emotions are starting to return, but I know they will in order to get things written down. I have my NaNoWriMo 2017 music playlist, and is what I listen to as I write. My phone stays in the other room.

NaNoWriMo. 50,000 words in 30 days. We’re halfway through, and I am more than halfway through the 50k. By day 8, I wrote over 26,000 words. By day 14 30,698 words, and I’m hoping to break 35,000 by tonight; 40,000 by Friday. Can I get to 50,000 by Sunday?  We shall see. Regardless, the novel will be closer to 65,000 words, or more, by the end of the month. More importantly, it will be done.

And I’m having a blast writing this work of FICTION.  I can’t stress this enough. It falls under women’s fiction; there is an important theme in the book, which is the primary reason I want to write this. The Downfall is the tentative title. Kiki is the protagonist, and Darius is the antagonist. Kiki has the best support system, although she only sees her girlfriends once a year, as a group. She is very successful, and a strong woman who knows what she wants.

Meet an unexpected character: Edward. Let me explain this first. Writers are the masters of the worlds they create. They build, add, and destroy. They create characters. At some point in the novel, the characters might take over. They begin to run the story, and the writer doesn’t have the control any longer. In some instances, this is good because the writer can “sit back” and watch events unfold. But the writer must always return to keep things under control; in check, if you will.

Edward quickly, at a rapid rate I might add, became a character who: 1) was not supposed to be in the story, 2) showed up and I don’t know how (I might know the why), 3) showed up and took over. Honestly, he was running the story. The distraction was good. The interactions between him and Kiki were interesting, but no.  I’m not crazy, but I did have many conversations with him.  I asked him what he was doing, why was he doing what he did; he was doing a good job evading Kiki’s questions about a secret she thinks he’s hiding; she’s a people person and has a pretty good read. After several days, I make the authorial decision that Edward’s time was up. He needed to go. And he did go.  However, the question remains is…will he be back?  Is he gone for good?  Oh Lord, he can’t possibly come back, especially after I just sent him away. Hahahaha Guess you’ll have to read the book when it’s published…

As I said, this is going to be fun. I get to talk about life, and how NaNoWriMo has taken over my life! I’m loving every moment! By the time December rolls around, I’ll be revising my thesis-turned-novel, while The Downfall recovers from the steam rolling off the pages. I’ll return in January to revise, and begin to find homes for both books.

More writing adventures are just around the corner and I’ll be writing an update at least once a week as the end of the month draws near.

So excited about so many things. It’s nice to have positive things to look forward to.

 

Dinner of champions.

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Damage and Control

Damage and Control

17 May 2017

 

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Today I dressed up to attend a wedding and funeral.  There was no celebration in a (re)birth.  In a classic black and white outfit, wearing nice jewelry; tresses lightly curled (using a brush and hairdryer), free flowing with my white streak standing out against the sun-kissed blonde.  I donned some comfy sandals, with my pedicured toes peeking out.  SNHU colors, the graduation cap prominently showing on my big toe.  I felt good, and I looked good─tan, rocking my outfit, showing my 45 pound-lighter frame. Bold green eyes.

I was ready to face the day.  Focused, I went in not to seek revenge, but to demand responsibility and what is right.  Responsibility for me (the taking care of myself plan), and making someone accountable for their actions. The funny thing with a narcissist is that they believe everything they’re doing is the right thing.  They don’t care about the damage, pain and scars they’ve caused.

Instead, I walked into a battlefield.

There are such things as compromises.  What I saw was another attempt to maintain control over me.  Another take, take, take scenario.  Another narrative where my inheritance benefits someone who took all my money, never let me have any money ($160 cash/month, that’s it), and felt insecure if I had a few hundred dollars.  Someone who lied and took away an agreement, a vacation (three), and so much more.

I am the disposable one.  I am the one who gets an expiration date.  I am the one being forced and chased away.  I am the one everyone wants to keep, but nobody’s fighting for me.  There are some battles one person cannot fight alone.  I may be strong, but I somehow got knocked back again.  My “little rock” is a bit concerned about me and watches me from the lawn tonight as I sit outside, with a glass of bourbon trying to make sense of what played out in the field today.

I am on this battlefield alone.  I am not one to give up.  I am a fighter.  I am the one who stood up at the beginning, shouting out to the world that I was not going to be controlled, manipulated, dragged through the muddy trenches, disrespected, and undeserving of everything someone wanted to put me through.  Did put me through.  Continues to put me through.

Somehow, I have to pound out the last 5,000 words of my thesis, and do some major revisions this week/early next week.  I cancelled my wine tasting trip to California because life is too much to handle and my school work is insurmountable.

Natalie has to learn from trial and error.  Nick is cocky, believes he’s untouchable, thinks everything should be his way; he leaves Natalie to take care of everything, including leaving her to a train wreck that runs through their home.  He thinks he’s God’s gift to the world as he tries to juggle an engagement and an affair.  My readers do not like him.  Hell, I don’t even like him!  There is no justice served to him; only pain and regret.  Seems like life mimics all that is happening, but nobody admonishes his behavior.

I wonder if I have some special powers (Wonder Woman post coming soon!) because I sense things before they happen.  Or maybe it’s just women’s intuition.  I know my gut instinct is pretty darn strong and rarely steers me in the opposite direction.

Guns were fired.  The battle began.  Bullets grazed the skin, the mind, the heart.  Scars began to form.  An anger fueling the battle was more subdued than it should have been, but wouldn’t have done any good.  The opposing party seemed impermeable.  Take, take, take.  The OP wanted me to pay, pay, pay.  For what?  For an affair that I was not involved with?  For all the money spent from the community?  Because it was the “right thing to do”?  This is still unacceptable behavior.  I need to be the voice of abuse.  I need to be vocal about being disrespected, and how I respect myself too much to let disrespect continue.

I sustained a bullet wound that is too painful to speak about.  The wound is going to produce yet another scar to the many appearing in a short amount of time.  It’s so unfair that I get zero in return.  That an inheritance can be taken away so fast and never returned─more broken promises.  The OP made it very easy to return to a life recently left, at a future date, and being able to move back in, as I am driven out and away.  I will not waste another ounce of energy or time on something that I was told was mine “until sold.”  Sold, my ass.  It’s being taken back.

I have to muddle through the negative to reach the positive.  Nobody walked away unscathed.  Nobody was happy with the outcome.  Battlefield injuries were sustained; the magnitude of those are amplified by OP actions.  I’m sure the OP thinks there was another successful win.  I approached the battlefield thinking there wasn’t going to be a winner and loser.  I was right, but the approach is just wrong, wrong, wrong.

How does a wrong get righted?  How is punishment avoided?  Live in New Mexico and you will learn all about this bullshit.

I am not done on the battlefield. I have retreated to the tent to think of the next tactic.  I will not give up.  I will approach the front line with the intention to be feared.  Again, not revenge, but a super strength to say enough is enough.  I sense the violent crimson rage running through my veins.  I will harness that energy to make bolder statements.  Somehow, I am going to rise above this whole fucking mess.

Pictured below: Duke looks concerned, don’t you think…

Duke