Tag: lemons

Crashing

Crashing

9 June 2017

It’s another month of spending time on the patio, writing, reading, listening, learning, growing, and finishing school.  This is week ten!!!  Two long days away.  It’s short because today is Friday and Sunday is the end of this journey.  It’s long because I am working on my thesis defense, and other components of my second final project for my English class, and revising my research paper for my 20th Century American Literature class.  The good news is the bulk of the writing is done, and I can focus on revisions.

The fence that divides my yard from my neighbors has been in disrepair again.  It’s been propped up for several weeks now.  Nothing says vulnerability as much as a fence that’s on the ground, leaving a wide-open gap exposed.  The rabbits loved it, as Duke and I would discover them eating the grass on the lawn in the mornings and evenings.  However, I felt unsettled.  Add this to the wide range of feelings and emotions that hits me at any given moment of any given day; it’s not pleasant.  But, I am no longer responsible for something major like this.

Thursday was a chaotic day.  I felt like I walked into a storm, feeling the power of the waves crashing against me.  Because of a growing strength (on many levels), I felt the force bump me, knock me around, and try to throw me off my feet.  It didn’t last anything more than a minute before I realized what was really happening.  I walked up to and through the waves, walking past the sound of them whipping and whirling, making contact and impacting rocks and the shore.  The shock factor that followed was watching me walk away. And I didn’t look back as the door closed behind me.

The next storm that soon followed was more like a shipwreck.  I braced myself.  I observed the storm, taunting me to with a destructive force, chiding, searching for any loose items that could easily be manipulated and pulled away by the brute force of wind and water. I survived, with the boat intact, but slightly battered and bruised.

A third storm of waves was released later in the evening.  I stumbled. I phoned a friend, discussing the storm, as I was in the moment, and we talked for hours.  It is nice to have friends to turn to at all hours of the day, but I still spend the worst parts of the night piecing together moments of my life alone. I still attempt to wrap my head around the train wreck that hit me at full speed not so long ago.  The short duration, and the lightning speed of actions to immediately follow, makes it nearly impossible.  But, I think I found a book that might help me understand more.  We’ll see.

Sleep still eludes me.  The adrenaline continues to pump through every crevice of my body.  The big crash is coming, but, as my friend and I agreed knowing who I am, it will occur in smaller waves, not being as dramatic…which will be rather refreshing.  But it is coming.

My revised thesis was turned in this past Sunday.  It was complete, as far as the assignment dictated.  But, to begin querying an agent or editor it still needs approximately 50,000 more words.  This means the story is not over yet!  A few edits were made, including changing the name of Nick to Adam.  It seemed to suit the character better.  He was fleshed out a little more, enough to satisfy the final thesis.  What I discovered was his back story that will be written as part of the 50k words to turn it into a complete work of fiction.  I will admit there was one moment when I thought about the 138 page thesis, pitching it as-is.  It is a great product of how hard I’ve worked for 15 months, and writing it in less than 7 months. F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote The Great Gatsby as a short novel, and the book is brilliant!  I had a rock star moment thinking mine could be just as brilliant, but the reality is if I pitched it today, it would be too short.  It still needs more.  I know exactly what I have to do, and will not waste any time writing to reach “The End.”

I am battered, beaten, torn down a little, vulnerable, uneasy, exposed, uncomfortable.  However, I am freakishly strong, independent, learning how to walk through the forces of water after walking through fire, empowered, and finding the right tools to deal with the extremely bruised psyche.  The fence is temporarily repaired, and even single boards have been reattached, so I feel safe once again. I  am focused on finishing the last remaining days of my education strong.  The final chapters of this journey are almost written to its own completion.  The bushel of lemons is on my counter again as I try to make the ultimate lemonade.  “YOU CAN DO THIS” remains on my computer monitor as I force my way through the storm that’s not quite over yet.

beach-2089959_640

Superheroes

Superheroes

18 May 2017

A superhero demonstrates powers beyond human. Not everyone can have superpowers.  In my mind, these are the following qualities:

  • Overcome immense adversity (my Wasband doesn’t count. Nor does the whore)
  • Find a way to rise above (see parentheses above)
  • Portray a human characteristic
  • Use powers for the betterment of humanity (can’t do this if you don’t possess any powers. Again, see parentheses above)
  • Thinking you’re a king and queen. Imposters don’t belong.  This does not fit into the super hero dynamic.  Wasbands and whores who address each other as a king and queen need a reality check and get out of Fantasyland. They don’t belong there either.

I belong with the superheroes.  I am Wonder Woman.  No, really.  She was my idol growing up. I even had WW Underoos, but they stayed hidden because superheroes only transform during cries for help; then they’re true selves are shown.  Plus, Underoos were glorified underwear.  Today, I don’t even think they could pass for a costume; they were that skimpy.

Wonder Woman’s background is interesting.  She is part Amazon with a Greek history in her lineage.  She is smart and beautiful.  She has an aura about her.  She could deflect anything with her gold bracelets.

I have managed to survive a cruise ship, nine days in Chile, 2 ½ months living under the same roof, getting through 2 ¾ terms of school, work, and a pending divorce.  If I was still sharing a residence, I know I would not be where I am today…at all.  I sat still, furiously fidgeting, for four months, cleaned up some clutter, made the house my own, and still trying to make the perfect lemonade drink.   I created boundaries (deflecting things that could bring harm) and have said ‘no more.’

I have always embraced my independence.  It’s who I am.  I am a strong woman and welcoming the liberation a life that was tossed away (not my choice).  I still stumble, but I also stopped trying once I recognized I wasn’t wanted.  I bargained for a brief, dark moment at the onset of the Wasband’s confession, but I quickly dropped it once I saw his true colors floating in front of my eyes.  There was no fix to this.  At least not on my end.  The damage from the battlefield added to more things irreparable.

Wonder Woman is a warrior.  I am a warrior.  There is an acute degree of strength within myself, and it really comes out after dark moments and even a few bad days.  I possess power and grace.  I belong to an elite group.  I am confident.  I am a role model.  I am paving my own path to become my own special super heroine.  I am.

superhero-534120_640

Milestones

Milestones

4 April 2017

Week 9 was a difficult finals week for me, but I made it through.  Week 10 followed and I swear I was being sabotaged.  Every moment I had to work on two assignments and my final projects was thwarted by someone whose only concern was for themselves.  I placed more boundaries up after Mr. Not Relevant returned after another (more than) two week fling this time.  He didn’t like these particular boundaries.  This was the same person who recently told me, “You have to finish school,” as I have been trying to use those damn lemons to make a drink worth savoring.  (I’m still working on it, by the way.)  I think Mr. NR forgot saying this to me the first two months being under the same roof.  My focus was my thesis.  His focus was flaunting and tormenting.

I have turned my life into an all-about-Karen because I resolved to focus on me and my education.  I wasn’t going to let this ‘someone’ take the last remaining hours of 17TW3 away from me.  I was too close to finishing.

Week Ten.  Here we go.  Two reflective essays (2nd final project) had to be written, carefully following the rubric, and turned in before 11:59pm Sunday.  I focused on the essay for my English/thesis class.  Finished, proofread, revised, re-read, revised, polished, saved and submitted.  I stared at my computer screen.  Submission complete.  Whoa.  I reminded myself I had one more essay to write and the clock was still ticking. Following the rubric for my Seminar in Writing Instruction, I drafted a three-page essay.  Rinse.  Repeat.  Save.  Upload.  Submission complete.

10:30 pm, I became very still in my chair.  Then cried.  Hard.  I did it.  I got through ten weeks of the most challenging days, weeks, and months of my life.  How the hell did I do this?  How did I survive all of this?

I still had to wait for my final grades.  The day arrived.  I ordered my transcript and read the letters inked into the paper.  ENG 549 Thesis Writing-A.  ENG 670 Seminar in Writing Instruction-A.  Proof of determination and survival.  That sticky note, “YOU CAN DO IT,” remained on my monitor through this nightmare, and still remains.

I thank my family, friends: my entire support system, and professors for being there, especially during the dark days when I couldn’t focus; I couldn’t put my head into my assignments, or even my thesis; the days when the crazy mind took over and wouldn’t let anything else in; the moments when the emotions hit me like a brick wall and the tears just fell; the days when I reacted to someone’s behavior, or words infiltrated my mind, putting me on an emotional roller coaster once again.  Everyone played a part in me getting to this point.  No part was too small.  This was so critical and I needed every moment, every word of encouragement, every hug, every smile, every heart-beat that also felt the stabs I endured-everything.

Thank You!!!

My journey isn’t quite over yet…