Written 9 July 2017
Cauterize. It’s been a word I’ve heard over and over during this interesting week. I’m still waiting to finalize this part of my life, get into the final chapter and begin a new one. In the meantime, some of my anxiety has returned. I’m not sure why. Because I recognize it, knowing I must deal with, I took extra measures. I am now in a Tabata bootcamp class, and have returned to yoga. Without having school as a focus, I redirected it to exercise to release the endorphins; in hopes of releasing the anxiety. I attempt the challenging moves because it gets me out of my comfort zone. I had a day of pampering. I deserve it. I deserve some of the best things life has to offer. After everything I’ve been through, these are simple affirmations.
I am learning how to be better to myself. I smile often. I am laughing more. I still get hit with bad and dark days, but I need to find happiness within myself before I can be a better person to someone else. Isn’t this how it should be?
And I’m still writing. I have to. I want to finish my novel by the end of July, then begin to focus on revisions so that I can seek publication. I’m also reading for fun, and beginning to compile my poetry book. This particular one has been a work in progress since June 2016. The direction I wanted to go with it never changed; I simply had more material to add. It’s divided into two parts, and these parts make sense. Again, I don’t want to self-publish, so I will make concerted efforts to seek out publication.
One thing I recognized is that I don’t want to stop traveling, and June has been a heavy travel month for me. It’s spilled into July a bit, and October becomes my ridiculous month. I take advantage of traveling to watch and listen. Being observant is part of a writer. I also enjoy writing as I move from space to space, city to city, country to country.
Maybe my anxiety has been telling me that I have needed the pampering as a way to cauterize wounds. This is how I can begin to heal. Scars are deep, and they haven’t exactly begun to close.
After all, this is the only (known) life given to us, it’s okay to want to take care of yourself first. It makes us better people to our friends, family, loved ones, and even when we meet strangers. I’m away for a few more days of self-discovery. Writing is still on my list of daily activities.