9 May 2017
Since this whole mess started, I have been disrespected. I was disrespected during a phone call to Japan, by someone who loved me…or so I thought. Immediately upon his return to the United States, he continued to disrespect me and our marriage. It hasn’t stopped.
After being stripped down and thrown into a numbing coma, I remained still during a temporary order. It angered, and hurt me, knowing the opposing party (OP) was off spending time and our money on a fantasy that is bound to crash and burn at some point. Don’t worry-this is not the post where an expected bout of Tourette’s (Whore. Adulterer.) appears.
I trudged through the broken pieces of something we constructed together, crumbled and scattered all over the ground. The only thing I wanted to do was to escape. Escape. Get away for three days. That’s all I wanted. Take off to Disneyland, get away from this mess, and have the freedom to be myself and enjoy my company. Escape for three days. It didn’t seem like it was that hard to fulfill. On the contrary, it was extremely complicated and didn’t happen.
I began the process back in January because it was my proclamation to say, “You can’t do this to me. This is not okay, and I told you this was not okay.” I have too much respect for myself to be dragged around, even though the OP’s behavior imitates this, I control it by setting up boundaries and walls. I am the primary concern, and I have more self-respect because I was strong to take a stand.
Over the weekend I had the opportunity to spend time near a beach. It was exhilarating! I called it my self-care weekend. I didn’t realize how badly I needed it. I only had to make decisions for myself. I didn’t need to consult anyone’s caIendar. It was me, time, the world, the sun, and the sand. I wasn’t scoffed at for having too many glasses of wine. I wasn’t ridiculed for enjoying mimosas with friends at 9:30 on a Saturday morning. Having the freedom to answer only to myself was exactly what the doctor ordered. It was liberating. I had spent five days surrounded by more friends─people who genuinely care for me and respect me─and it was the perfect ending before I headed back home.
I officially ended the five weeks of my education with a deeper tan, and a little more blonde. I arrived home to be greeted by my lovable, four-legged furry dog, “my little rock.” A friend had picked him up earlier in the day, and I was so thankful she did this for me. It was great to return home, my first real trip away since this mess began, being greeted at the front door with his tail wagging furiously. He has been my shadow ever since.
This is another big thesis writing week. I began writing this next segment in some of the best environments I’ve been accustomed to for years: writing in airports and hotels; writing in the sun; writing outside. This is the big chapter, and you all know Natalie goes into a coma. I am not going to give any spoilers at this point because it ruins the fun of reading the entire story. This is where the story is going to grab the reader, make them hang on the edge of their seat, as the story plunges to the denouement.
This is also graduation week. Because I finish in June, I can walk for graduation! I have my cap and gown, my stole, charm and cords from the National Society for Leadership and Success; my cord from Sigma Tau Delta (International English Honor Society); I was given honorary cords from the NMT Society of Petroleum Engineers Student Chapter that I will also proudly wear. For the first time, I am going to decorate my cap! I have ideas, just need to buy the supplies now.
Another week is planned for self-care, respecting myself, and doing things for myself. I am also thrilled that I will be spending this weekend with my family. The anchor keeping me grounded as I floated. My self-care program requires that I make time for myself, do the things I love (and missed) doing. Family and friends are huge components. Without them, some of my days and nights would have been a lot darker. The best part-we are kind human beings and respect each other; how it’s intended to be.
Time to return to my thesis. Natalie needs to become a stronger character, so I need to spend some time with her. The world is waiting for this one, and the next novel to follow, post-degree.