26 April 2017
Week four and I am drowning. There’s an expiration on the timer. I am fighting for air under the heavy demands of grad school, but it’s the lack of appreciation for doing the work of two people in my job that’s mounting; I believe it’s wrong to constantly berate your employee for being absent under certain circumstances. I see the job as a soul-sucking grind. I sense I am being pushed away from an institution. Maybe they don’t deserve me either.
Nobody said this was going to be easy, but I had no idea that taking a literature course and a thesis completion course meant the test of your sanity. To top it off, I am already doing daily tasks to keep away from the crazy mind. Exercise has increased, social life has tanked. I am still being tormented. I don’t have the closure to begin healing and I will admit I’ve been emotionally wrecked for two weeks.
I have grieved many deaths over the past 17 years. What was pointed out to me was this is the first “death” I am grieving alone; the one person who has always been there has abandoned me, and is at the root of this fucked up mess. I have my wonderful support system, don’t get me wrong! I love them all dearly. But it’s at the end of the day, long into the wee hours of the night when I know this is all about me. Hasn’t it been all this time? Yes! I am the one who needs to see this through and I have acquired some new coping techniques…that doesn’t include drinking the pain away before falling asleep. (Those days are ending and alcohol has never been the answer.)
I am in major thesis writing and revisions. For my literature class, I am re-exploring the writing of Sylvia Plath. I have officially reached 20,000 words in my novel! 15k to go. What I’m more excited about is I am nearing the chapter where Natalie’s coma propels her into some powerful telekinetic events. Never thought I would be writing speculative fiction, but the story idea is working and I’m running with it!
Because I am doing so much writing, I take “breaks” from studies to work on my poetry book, and write excerpts for the next novel, post-education, when emotions are running high. These 10 weeks of classes are still my saving grace, and I am thankful for the focus. I am also thankful I have a new, significant task once I’m through, and is another milestone under my leadership skill-set.
I have also learned a little more about myself these last two weeks, hence the missing blog posts as I re-focused. This is a trial period and it’s even more important that I take care of myself. Beginning today, I am taking steps towards surviving the last six weeks of class, and the last four weeks of a life I am ready to let go to embrace a new one. Natalie’s world is about to shatter, but she will learn how to rebuild, too.
It’s not about all of this temporary depression front and center because that will fade away shortly. I know there are more positives than negatives when I have a moment to breathe before water enters once again as the thumb continues to hold me underwater. Time is running out. There is an expiration.