24 February 2017
I wish I could say things have been fairly quiet this week. On the contrary, life has been rather tumultuous. I have been in and out of work because of “the return.” The return was just as smug, righteous with a tinge of feeling infallible, more so than normal. I put more boundaries up and nothing is more satisfying than remaining silent when a narcissist is present. However, I am still suffocating.
I have been drowning under a thumb pressed so hard, I was kept below the surface line. Stifled. Held back. It’s hard to see how long someone has been suffocating until they’re allowed, or break free, to resurface and breathe again, even if it’s in spurts. The blinders have been lifted from my eyes and I make strides towards being allowed to breathe again. Gaslighting is no longer effective on me because I am standing my ground and not letting words get into my head; the issue is the frequency of contact that I need to work harder towards blocking. I feel like I am learning how to breathe all over again, but I am have not reached the surface to remain afloat yet.
Natalie will drown completely. She is going to be held underwater for a considerable amount of time and won’t resurface immediately. She won’t know, or even understand, why she’s suffocating. This arc in the story will be the most fun to write. It will also become some of the most intense parts in my thesis.
Because I get a glimpse in moments to catch my breath, I am looking forward to the day where pure oxygen flows through my nose, down my throat, passing through the chest, and settling into my lungs. The thumb holding me down has lost some of the pressure that was keeping me down, but remains dominant. Soon I will be completely free of it. Eventually Natalie will learn that it was that same kind of suffocation that holds her back from waking up. We are drowning: I’m in Limbo suffocating. For Natalie, she will be drowning in her mind, trying to control events that suffocates her. We are both reaching out to frantically remove a thumb that’s still holding us under.