Emotions-Raw

Emotions-Raw

19 February 2017.  Initially Began December 12, 2016

12/12/16.  The best part of being a writer is that it’s easy to write anywhere.  Today, it’s Cartagena, Colombia and I think back to times of hardship.  How do people overcome hard times?  Sticking to their guns and just pushing through, is what I think.

That’s the beauty of humanity.  When faced with hard decisions, it’s best to keep a level head.

The same lessons we learn in life can be applied to our writing.  When it’s time to think about dialogue, think about the showing not telling.  How does that certain emotion make you feel?  How can you express a facial expression?

On these final notes, I bring it back to my hashtag I’ve been using #ontheroadtomyMA.

There has been a wave of emotions during this journey and I have to remind myself they need to stay in check so that I can focus on my work and write with clarity.  On the flipside, it is the abundance of emotions that is helping me with the stories and poems I am writing; the clarity in how to show the emotions is working well in descriptive language.  I’m off to go try my “no, gracias” to vendors now while exploring a city and find another story hidden within.

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2/19/17.  I look back to what I wrote in the beginning of a tumultuous time.  Emotions ran rampant then as I was left alone to try and enjoy a trip that became a horrible life experience, and something I’ll never, ever get back.  I think back to a certain date in December (21…despite what other parties think) and remember the horrendous night I had, falling completely apart, being stripped down, and abandoned.  On December 22, I was left completely alone with my emotions in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.  I officially lost my appetite.  I no longer felt alive.  What I couldn’t see at the time was a mid-life crisis facing a train wreck; a topic I’ve already discussed.

What happens when you have more than 12 hours with nothing but your emotions? What do you do when you’re (literally) trapped?  For me, I was in fetal position, letting myself just be.  I cried, no sobbed-a lot.  My heart broke into a gazillion pieces.  I remained huddled under the blankets and the horrible bed, that was actually two beds moved together in a balcony cabin.  The drapes remained drawn.  I had water-that was a priority.  My husband, who began one of many “rights to make an irreparable wrong,” thought fruit would help.  I ate two pieces and let the bowl sit the remainder of the day.  I skipped lunch and the big dress up dinner.  I found solace in the dark and made my way to the sun deck to watch the New York Giants play on the big screen that night.  I wrapped myself in towels to keep warm and sheltered from the coldest of hearts sitting next to me, who can never be as passionate about football as I am.

I attended an early premiere of Disney’s “Inside Out” a few years ago.  I loved the Emotions in Riley’s head.  They had their own personalities, but also kept each other in check…for the most part.  My emotions are on a more dire scale.  I cannot feel beyond shock; there’s a constant scattering with no real direction, and my emotions are more confused.  Even two months later, there is still a lot of commotion that is ridiculous hard to settle down.

And here I am, the end of week five.  My emotions run away far too often, and makes concentration hard.  I swear these are going to be the hardest A’s I have ever earned in my education.  I can say that I submitted my assignments early-no last minute for me tonight.  It’s been a difficult week, getting over being sick.  The only good thing that came away from being sick was that I got to spend several days on the couch, with a cozy blanket, reading for class.  I have to read three novels and one book on the craft by week seven.  I’ve completed one novel, began another, and halfway through my craft book.

So, where does this leave Natalie?  She’s struggling with emotions, too.  She’s discovered finger streaks on her black lacquer piano and isn’t paying attention to what her mind is able to do.  She will need to find a way to spend some time with her emotions to learn how to harness her power, but won’t be able to do so while she’s awake.  She’s also suspecting of her fiancé.  She’s just realized he only employs women in his New York office.  Yep, Natalie has her own emotions she will need to check in with.

My emotions and I have been on a long journey together.  When I’m not alone in my house, my emotions are constantly reminding me that I need to somehow deal with whatever is being thrown at me, day after day after day.  I am slowly beginning to harness them, but I do have to remind myself that I need to let them appear and just let whatever the prominent emotion is- happen.  Definitely easier said than done because, at this point, I am angry and completely disgusted.  So disgusted I cannot look at a betrayer who continues to deliberately hurt and oppress me.  Apparently, I’m not allowed to feel…at all….I’m supposed to be subservient and just let everything continue as “normal”.  There is a new Karen emerging…

Week five is over and chapters three and four were submitted for grading and peer review.  Natalie is well on her way to dealing with her own emotions.  I have to begin writing my next thesis installment.  With my emotions still being extremely raw, perhaps I will feed off that energy and write some stellar chapters!

 

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2 thoughts on “Emotions-Raw

  1. While the turmoil in your life saddens me, I’m glad that you’re taking something negative and channeling it into something positive: your novel. You’ll get there – word by word, sentence by sentence, scene by scene, and chapter by chapter. In spite of this, you’ll get there.

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